Why Don't You Love Me For Who I Am?
by Nettik
Summary: I've always been good at hiding my emotions. Keeping them bottled inside. No one likes me for who I am. Why can't I just disappear? See how they will live? But I am nothing to them. Why can't you love me for who I am, Sora? KxS Based off of my life.


**This isn't really apart of any of my stories. If I decide to, I might make it into a real story instead of a small one-shot. It's just a small fic about my life currently...**

**And how much it _sucks_.**

~0~0~0~0~

I don't know why I'm still alive, with all my suicidal thoughts nowadays. My friends abandoned me. They act like I'm still their friend, but I can see right through them. They befriend me because I can help them in school, get them good grades and move onto the next. I offer kindness to those who are complete strangers.

I was naive.

To think that they would protect me. Always keep me safe and never break my heart. I couldn't see through their trick until it was too late. Until their appearance in my life had made itself permanent in my heart.

I hide my feelings. Always. My anger. My sadness. To everyone, I was perfect. I was always happy. But in reality, I could never be happy. Rarely, I'd let myself loose. My real, true self. But that girl would always be shoved back in. Because of the stares. The looks. They weren't nice, no.

__

Of course not.

If they ever saw the real me, they'd shun me even more. And I'd break and break.... until finally I could never be repaired again. I feel no longer wanted. My best friend had abandoned me. She was my role model, and I was hers. What happens when she says that she was just using you?

My world came crashing down on that day.

It's like every day is exactly the same. Same old routine. And the same old phrase each day, burned into my mind. The same conversation. And my small little inner voice telling me things.

_Are you okay?_

_I'm fine._

_You sure?_

_Yes._

_Really? Cuz you don't seem... oh look, hey, Tidus!_

_...Bye..._

And then I'd hear my little voice inside of my head telling me 'This is how screwed up your life is.' It's so funny. I'd ask myself questions and I'd never be able to think of answers. Then I'd spend all day thinking about it and realize 'Oh wow, I managed to get through another day thinking about a question that I can't even answer about myself'.

That's how it always is. How strange, that these questions, questions oh-so-simple like 'Why are you so angry?' keep you thinking all day. And then when you'd answer they'd come up with 'Why?' and then 'Why do you think they did that?'

It was annoying to no end.

What school was this again? Oh right... my fourth school. Four was my favorite number. _Was. _But not anymore. That number only brings me sorrow and pain. The school I'm in. My fourth school. My best friend. She became my best friend when I was four. The day that separates my birthday from my dad's. My birthday is set on May 3, while his is on May 5. The day in between... of course, the 4th. The grade that a boy told me he loved me but no longer did and I used to love him back? In fourth grade. But worst of all.... I fell in love with _him _only four months after my transfer.

Seems hard to believe? It's the truth. The horrible reality I call _hell_.

My life is like a wrecking ball. It destroys everything in its path, swaying back and forth, back and forth. It never makes things right and only brings sadness, anger, and ruin. No on wants to take hold of my controls and tame them. Tame me. They laugh at me. Mock me. Mock me, but in reality they are terrified of me. I don't want to scare people. I just want to be normal. Normal. Is that too much to ask for? It is to them. I walk through the schools, alone every day.

My star is lost and losing its shine.

My universe is falling.

"Hey, Kairi. Can I stay with you? All my other friends went home already."

"Oh.... okay.... sur-"

"Oh wait! I see someone! 'K, bye Kairi. Hey, Yuffie!"

"Bye Selphie..."

They use me as their last resort. Last.... and I'll always be the last. But why can't I ever be the first?

But you know what's the worst? To know that _he _will never love me. Him. My one crush... the first time I ever had _true _feelings for a boy. He's in another class than me, another team, a system in our school that separates the 400 students in 9th grade. All his classes are different from me. I walk by him, but he doesn't notice me. He never smiles at me. Ever since I've started 7th grade, he's stopped talking to me. I miss his voice. I miss the way his eyes shone. The way he laughs. He never laughs for me. I love him, but he's already dated six girls.

I don't know why I fell for him.

But then again... he wasn't the one to dump the girls. The _girls _dumped him. In exchange for their ex-boyfriend. He's so cautious around girls that it breaks my heart to see it. He's afraid of being hurt, his heart torn to pieces yet again. I'm afraid too. Of rejection.

I feel like he's the only one out there for me. That he's my only hope. But right now, it's disappearing and I'm losing that light. I'm starting to believe that no one will ever love me. And then I'll have no reason to live. My hearts breaking into pieces each day, futile pieces of tape keeping it together. With each day, I'm shattering on the inside. The tape are my efforts to help me stay alive. I think of things that will happens, dreams that will never come true. If I confess my love and he rejects me...

I'll shatter forever and nothing will ever be able to repair me.

I was the girl who didn't pay attention to boys back in elementary and the start of middle school while all the other girls were going all ga-ga over 'em. I was the girl who always replied 'Don't have one' to 'Do you have a crush' with a nonchalant shrug. My face never heated up when people mentioned boys or how cute they looked.

I just saw the boys as my friends. My friends that I could act like how I always did with girls. I never understood the concept of it, and how boys were supposed to keep their distance away from us girls. And vice-versa. I was always the one to bring boys and girls together and then we'd have fun, like how it was supposed to be.

Not anymore.

Is that how it's going to be? People tell me that they used to love me and get my hopes all high. But I'd always miss that one word. _Used to. _And then I'd fall back, plummeting to the ground once they tell me that they don't anymore. While I lay there heartbroken, my friends receive the love I long for.

Someone introduced him to me. He was nice and funny. He talked to me like he did with the others. But suddenly, he stopped. He would look at me and then turn away. No more smiles for me. No more of that beautiful and happy laughter. He did talk with me but ever since we moved up to middle school...

It's like I don't exist.

I notice that as soon as I walk near him, he stops laughing and turns away. Am I that ugly? I always knew that I wasn't the prettiest, but still. No more hi's. But I notice him looking at me from time to time. He spends most of his time with new friends rather than his old friends. What happened to the boy I fell in love with?

Sometimes I wish I could just walk up to him and say -

"You know, it hurts to know that you won't even look at me. It hurts to know that you won't even speak to me. No laughing, no more hi's. But you glance at me from time to time. Why is that? You know what hurts the most? To know that the one you love, doesn't love you back, Sora."

Then he'd take me into his arms and give me a kiss.

"But... I do love you, Kairi."

But that's all a dream, isn't it?

* * *

**This is a revision of the chapter I did before... It seemed kinda rushed but now it seems to fit a lot better...**

**I'm not so happy anymore. It's just like... you're happy to be invisible because you don't get all this attention. You don't worry about friends breaking your heart. But they still do. This 'unspoken law' between people.**

**You ain't popular, you're out and rejected.**

**That's middle school... and high school too. **

****

This is a little something based on my real life and I just decided to write it down. Besides, no one can guess who I really am...

I'm too good at hiding everything.

Kairi is me. Sora is the boy I love right now. Riku is the boy I loved in 4th grade. Get it?

Midnight Hell~


End file.
